There's Always Hope - Ashley Filion (BScH Psychology, '22)

Please note - the author discusses topics that may be triggering to some, including sexual violence and suicide ideation.

People used to tell me that things would eventually get better and that all my suffering would end. To be honest, I never believed them. I was so convinced that there was no hope for me and that I would never be one of those people who would recover. I thought that my struggles would last forever because whenever I felt like I was getting better, I would get set back by something else. I know that if you are struggling right now, you may have that same feeling. I know that it may be hard to see any hope for a happy future, but there is hope.

In high school, I was often seen as the person who “had it all”. I got good grades, I was the captain of many sports teams, and I had a lot of friends. On the outside, I looked like I was in perfect control of my life, and everything was going as planned. However, this was far from my reality. I was able to put on a happy face, but on the inside, I was suffering. I tried to get help from my doctor, my family, and my friends, but no one really listened to how bad things were. I eventually turned to self-harm as a way to cope because I didn’t know what else I could do. Eventually I decided to reach out to one of my high school teachers for help, and she quickly became my rock. Although things were still tough, I at least knew I could turn to her if I needed something. 

Fast forward to the summer after high school. I had cut off many of my toxic relationships and started to feel significantly better. I felt myself starting to feel happy again, something that I hadn’t felt in a long time. This came to an end by the end of the summer. I went to a party with some of my coworkers from my high school job as a sort of “going away” party. That night, I was sexually assaulted by a family member of one of my co-workers. It was extremely difficult for me to go anywhere where there would be people that I did not know. I knew what it was like to feel depressed, alone, and hopeless, but I had never known what it was like to feel unsafe in any room I was in. Not only that, but I was frustrated because before this had happened, I had felt like things were finally starting to go my way. 

As a result of this incident, I developed post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I couldn’t get the memory out of my head, and I started to lose a lot of sleep. On top of that, it was my first year in university. I was trying to navigate this new environment while also trying to manage my emotions. I really didn’t know how to handle all of this at once, so again, I started to turn to self-harm. I knew that this was not how I wanted to manage my emotions, so I went back to therapy. After going to therapy for a few months, I started feeling more like myself again. Then, the pandemic hit. 

I was always someone who relied heavily on my friends for support and to feel comforted. Once the pandemic hit, I felt like that was taken away from me. I felt more alone than I had ever felt before. It was very difficult for me to feel like people still cared about me because of how isolated I felt. This was when my suicide ideation really started to progress. I had experienced suicide ideation during high school and also throughout university, but it was nothing like this. After years of fighting with my thoughts, my mind and my body were tired of fighting. I was ready to give up. I wholeheartedly believed that there was no hope for me to get better because it felt like there was one thing after another. I wrote a suicide note thanking everyone who had helped me in my life and that I was just too tired to keep fighting. At the last minute, there was a brief moment where I thought to myself “do I really want to do this” and I took that opportunity to call someone for help. One of my friends ended up coming over and staying with me. During the next couple of weeks, I stayed with my friends and my family until I started to feel better again. I decided to give life another chance, and I am glad I did. 

Within the next month, I cut out people in my life who I realized were negatively affecting my mental health and I was able to receive a proper diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD). Receiving this diagnosis really changed my life. Since high school, I have been on a variety of different medications, but they never really worked. Once I got my diagnosis, I was put on proper medication to help with BPD. It was like night and day. I started to be in control of my emotions again, something that I never thought was possible. I was eventually able to wean off my medication and I felt good. This isn't to say that there aren't times where I get sad, angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, because this does still happen (as it does to everyone). But the difference now is that I can control these emotions in a much healthier way. If anyone had asked me 2 years ago if I ever thought I could get to this point, I wouldn't have been able to even dream of it. Yet, here I am. 

You have to keep pushing forward, no matter how tiring it is or how bad you may want to give up. I know it is hard, but one day you will be happy. It may not be tomorrow, next week, or even next month, but it could be. It took me years to feel better. But, if I had given up when I was 14, 16, 20, or any of that time in between, I wouldn't be where I am right now. Your turnaround point could be just around the corner. I was the last person I ever thought could be happy and now I am. It may not be easy, but it is possible to recover. I know how hard it can be to survive each day, but you can do it. For me, the thing that helped me most was getting rid of toxic relationships in my life and going to the gym. It is important to prioritize yourself and things that you enjoy doing, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for doing that! There are people who care about you, and it is possible for you to get better. It takes work, but it is possible, I promise.