Been Pranked? You are Not Entitled to Financial Compensation - Ada Lu (BAH Psychology, '23)

Going into first year, PSYC100 quickly became the bane of my existence. Am I a Psyc major? Yes. Do I want to pursue grad school in research because I found a topic I’m truly interested in? Also yes. But I’m also far away enough from that time in my life that I can confidently say if it weren’t for the 5% participant pool boost so graciously given to us poor first-years, I very likely would not be a Psyc major today.

The classes were huge; the material was dense; the exams were brutal (labs were alright, my group mates were funny, but no comment on the pre-lab work). At the tender age of 17-going-on-18, none of these things really created the optimal environment under which major life decisions could be reliably made (especially those costing a substantial amount in student loans). Nevertheless, I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and in awe at the sheer amount of choice that first year offered. All these options, and you’re telling me that this one class is the only requirement for majoring in the program I am currently interested in, and will definitely continue to be interested in, for the next 3 years? Sign me up!

Pranked. I was pranked. Absolutely nothing about anything was smooth sailing.

There’s this funny little thing called “school-life balance”, or “work-life balance”, what have you. Until about…let’s say, last semester, I firmly believed that it was a myth— at least for me. Sure, I hung out with friends, went out to town a couple of times. But every good night was followed by a morning of anxiety about all the upcoming work due, and all the time I had “wasted” by not studying. For a good, long while, it felt like I was only getting the “school/work” portion of things, not much of the “life” thing going on; the need to study for exams, somehow falling behind even when I felt caught up, navigating university in general. Come second year, although I found the idea of more specific Psychology courses interesting, things were feeling more and more like dragging my feet through increasingly deeper mud. Getting through classes felt like just going through the motions, and no longer about nurturing my interest in what I sought out to do for the rest of my li— for a considerable amount of time in my future.

So the panic starts, right? Constantly thinking, “Oh God, am I physically feeling the interest in my major— to which I have dedicated several thousands of dollars— dwindling? Dying? Shrivelling up and falling off the branch?”, as I’m sitting there in a required Psyc class lecture. When you emerge from the fog and look around, you feel like you’ve been majorly missing out, and have no clear idea if what you’ve dedicated all this time and effort (and money) to is even what you want to do anymore. Is it still passion, or is it now just getting by? Does passion even need to be involved, if it’s just a job to pay the bills? Can you just “hold out” until graduation? You think about “all the doors you’ve accidentally closed”, and it becomes really easy, then, to look back at the big decision you were forced to make at 17, 18, and believe that any other choice would have been better, or easier, or that you made the wrong one, period.

Is there a lesson to all this at the end? Probably, but maybe not a particularly deep, insightful one— listen, I never said I was special. I am, however, lucky. Third year rolls around. I’m thinking, “Here we go again. Just gotta hold out for another year. Maybe I’ll actually find out what I want out of this degree”. Lo and behold, who would have known that I’d find it in a class called Human Sexuality, of all places? Genito-pelvic penetration/pain disorders, baby!

Of course, this isn’t something that ends with, “At the end of it all, I found my answers, and that sweet, sweet work-life balance” (one of these things I am still severely lacking, but I promise I’m working on it). Things are still changing every day; I await with bated breath as thesis matching comes and passes. I cross my fingers and hope that what I’ve deemed “my topic of interest” on my application is actually that, and not just an attempt by my own brain to make something of all this time (and money !!) spent. I have to manually remind myself to text friends back, because if I don’t, I’ll fall right off their radar without a peep.

This isn’t me saying, “Just hold out”. It is me popping my head out of the laptop screen to say that you’re not alone when you feel like the motivation or passion for what you’re studying is following a particularly nasty sinusoidal curve. Sometimes that means it’s time for a change; sometimes it means holding out and making the best of other things in the meantime. Personally, I recommend getting bubble tea.

Like me, maybe you feel like you’ve been pranked, too. But I hope you find comfort in the fact that you are definitely not the only fool in this royal court.